Embracing the Weird & Moving Forward Anyway
Y’all–Life has been WEIRD. If you follow me on socials you already know I’ve been in a mental health/physical health/identity crisis-ish FUNK. There are plenty of factors that have played into this vortex of strange in my brain, but they’re not the important thing here. Right now I just want to share where I’m at in this moment and my intentions moving forward.
When I launched this business in January of 2022, I had BIG dreams for its success. Or at least what I had arbitrarily decided success would look like. I knew that my coaching program said it took most folks 1-2 years to build a full-time clientele and I thought, “Bet. Why not me?”
The reality is that physical health, mental health, and Real Life Shit makes a big difference in someone’s capacity to engage in–while incredibly rewarding–hugely time and energy consuming work. I love love love what I do and I get so much joy from creating resources and social content and connecting with my clients in sessions. AND. As a neurodivergent introvert with chronic pain, my energetic capacity is lower than the average “healthy” neurotypical human. It’s taken me this whole past year of struggling against that to accept just how true it is AND to not feel guilty for its truth.
Most of last year felt like One Thing After Another. So basically Normal Life for a lot of us, amirite? The hard truth is that when you’re working on not dissociating from reality and ignoring your body and living on autopilot, it means you can’t just “push through” all the bullshit. Sometimes we avoid self-connection because dissociation CAN be functional. Healing work is a privilege when it means you won’t be able to operate at the same level of productivity that you were before. My honest confession is that there are days when I wish that I wasn’t so connected to myself and my body so I could more easily ignore my intuition and proceed in the way that feels “easier” even when it’s not what’s “right” (for me).
Strangely enough, it was one of those moments that ended up backstepping me into the realization that I am not ready to give up yet on this business and dream that I’m creating. A couple of weeks ago I was offered a second part-time job. It would be doing something I enjoy for better money than my current part-time job, and in the past, money has often been a deciding factor for me. Almost as soon as it was offered I felt certain I would say yes. I stopped by for more information that I believed would just confirm my yes. Instead, as I thought about it and what it would look like in reality, my intuition began the slow head shake. Not this, not right now. I pushed back–I need the income, I already know I’m good at this job. My intuition responded, “your body can’t handle 6 days a week and you will be giving up your business. Even if you say you’re not, you will. You will not have the time or energy to continue.”
A job that I know like the back of my hand and the money I need is a way easier choice. And, it’s not the right one. SO FRUSTRATING. I felt torn even as I was delivering my No to the business owner. I felt the familiar fear of “What if I never figure this out? What if I can’t pay my bills?” Deep breaths. Making a decision based on fear is rarely a good decision. Trusting your intuition is challenging as fuck when it goes against what fear is telling you. But if I really believe in the work that I do (and I really fucking do) then I have to trust my intuition and I have to know that making a decision that’s in alignment with my values and my goals IS the right one.
So. My intentions moving forward.
Continue to trust the process. When I engage in a coaching series or session with someone, I’m asking them to trust the process. To trust themselves to find the solutions that are already within them. To trust me to support them along the way. I’m a big believer in leading by example and it would be out of integrity (one of my core values) for me to ask that of the folks who work with me and not be living that out in my own life.
Feel less guilt around the ebbs and flows of my energy and capacity. Sometimes I’m almost certain it’s the guilt and shame that keeps me paralyzed from getting started again. Even though I know that in reality, most folks probably haven’t even noticed my social media or email list “absence,” I still feel like it’s SO OBVIOUS I’ve been gone and people won’t take me seriously if I don’t show up CONSTANTLY.
At my own pace, get back into creating and serving my community. I have a completed new FREE mini-course on self-connection that I just haven’t shared yet. I have a workshop that just needs edits following the feedback from my trial run of it and then it will be ready, too. I have another workshop that I started months ago that’s been poking at me almost daily saying, “hey, it’s time, let’s do this.” I have ideas for my Patreon community that I just haven’t executed yet. One by one, it’s my goal to complete and share these projects with you, my community.
I believe so deeply and passionately that supporting others to reconnect with themselves, feel more at home in themselves, and intentionally create lives that actually feel good is my purpose in life. One of my former clients who has become a good friend (who incidentally is a PhD psychologist so I have deep respect for their thoughts and opinions) when I said I was considering taking a second part-time job and setting down my business for a bit immediately looked distraught and said, “WHAT, NO! But you’re so good at what you do.” On my Patreon call this week, one of my Magic Makers told me that I make her feel safe to share vulnerably. Oh, my heart! I believe the universe is speaking to me through my community members, reminding me that while I will always have more to learn and become better at my craft, I am capable of doing this job, and not just capable–I am good at what I do.
My journey isn’t going to look like anyone else’s. It may not progress as quickly as I would like. And. It will never progress if I give up on it now. So I raise my coffee mug with a toast–Here’s to going after our dreams even in the midst of the mess. Here’s to showing up as we are, even when we feel like it won’t be “enough.” Here’s to knowing that “enough” is just arbitrary bullshit. Here’s to believing in our own magic, even when we feel a little broken. We can do hard things–and WE WILL.
Love y’all.
