Holiday Survival Guide: Self-Connection Through the Holidays
The holiday season can bring joy, excitement, good food, and quality time with loved ones… and it can equally bring up stressors, triggers, frustrations, and testing of your boundaries. Whether you love the holidays or dread them, whether you carol your way through them or feel like you barely survive, the holiday season has a way of drawing you away from yourself and into the fray of complicated family dynamics, capitalist frenzies, and all sorts of expectations and obligations. It’s a complex time of year for a lot of us.
One of the reasons I believe we, as a culture, are so attracted to the *idea* of New Year’s Resolutions is because they come right after a time of year that leaves most of us exhausted, dysregulated, and disconnected from ourselves. The idea of resetting ourselves and our lives gives us a sense that we’re taking back control after the season where chaos reigns. The reason why New Year’s Resolutions often don’t effectively work for most people is because we create them from a place of desperation and fitting in rather than a place of checking in with ourselves and meeting our actual needs. We create diet and exercise plans from a mindset of punishing ourselves for “holiday indulgences.” We create strict routines that we attempt to follow because we read that they will somehow help us “live better lives” without actually considering whether they work for our actual reality. We tell ourselves we’re going to “stop” doing things–stop spending so much money, stop procrastinating, stop doom-scrolling on social media–without understanding that any goal set from a place of negativity isn’t likely to be achieved.
This year, instead of getting caught up in the cycle of drowning in the chaos and then over-correcting with intense New Year’s Resolutions, let’s choose to do things differently. Imagine if you didn’t end the year feeling quite so disconnected and drained; you just might create goals for your new year that feel more authentic, possible, and are actually self-supportive. (More on this coming soon…)
Let’s talk about some of the main ways we end up disconnected from ourselves during the holidays and what we can do to protect ourselves this holiday season. Oh, and in case you’re wondering why this whole “self-connection thing” matters so much… Self-connection is our foundation for how we interact with ourselves and the world around us. It’s the basis for building our self-worth and self-confidence, which in turn leads to more enjoyment in our lives, which leads to a better overall quality of life–and who doesn’t want to be living their best life?!
Okay, let’s dive in…
1. We prioritize everyone else over ourselves.
I get it. Especially when you have kids it’s almost too easy to put yourself last and say you don’t have the time or energy for ANYTHING for yourself. This happens year-round and the holidays just make it worse. If you happen to be the Family Peace-keeper or the One Who Coordinates Everything or the Main Chef or The Schedule Maker it compounds that and you also end up prioritizing your family “role” over your own needs. When we always put ourselves last, we end up feeling frustrated, drained, and resentful, and no matter how hard we might try, those emotions always end up coming out in one way or another. Most often we find ourselves being irritable, short-tempered, or even harsh with our loved ones. Then we feel guilty, and we feel even worse, and we end up in a spiral of negative feelings. Sound familiar?
So if we know we can avoid ever entering that cycle by simply taking care of ourselves, let’s choose that this year instead. If you’re thinking “Yeah, but I REALLY don’t have the time.” Consider ways that you can care for yourself in your already existing schedule.** (Check out the list of ideas below.)
2. Boundary violations abound.
Family is often the most difficult with which to set and uphold boundaries. Especially because there’s all kinds of complex family dynamics related to parent/child relationships, cultural traditions, blended families, intergenerational trauma, etc. Our boundaries can get pressed up against expectations and obligations and so much pressure. We experience this with everything from topics that we don’t feel comfortable discussing with family–body/weight loss/food choices, relationships, politics–to visiting with family members who might have done us harm, but are still present at family gatherings.
For many folks there is a deeply ingrained sense of obligation to family, no matter what harm it may cause. Even as adults, sometimes when we’re around family members such as parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles we take on a child-like role again: doing as we’re told, not speaking up for ourselves, feeling disempowered. I understand it, I’ve experienced it, and I believe deeply in your individual sovereignty. You belong to yourself, you are your own caretaker, and you are your own advocate. If asserting boundaries and advocating for yourself is new to you, it might feel uncomfortable as fuck. You might even feel “wrong” in the moment (or more likely afterwards when your mind starts replaying), but that’s the programming in your brain that wants you to stay small and quiet and people-pleasing. You don’t owe anyone smallness or silence–even family.
What does this look like in practice? Choosing to walk away from a conversation that makes you uncomfortable. Choosing to leave where you’re at rather than force yourself to remain in an unsafe environment. (Remember, emotional safety matters just as much as physical safety.) It might mean having a conversation with your parent(s) prior to you showing up at their house or them showing up at yours, establishing or re-stating boundaries. It could even be simply taking some extra time for yourself prior to a family visit focusing on building yourself up and reminding yourself that others’ opinions of you are just that–opinions, not facts. That you are worthy and you are powerful and you are exactly where you’re meant to be in life no matter what anyone might say or think. Sometimes we forget that the mindset we enter a space with, the way we choose to speak to ourselves, and how grounded we are in our true selves can make all the difference in how someone else’s thoughts or words impact us (or don’t.)
3. We fall victim to comparison-itis.
“Comparison is the thief of joy” has long been a quote I repeat to myself like a mantra. For many of us, we battle with comparison year-round, but boy does that shit amp up around the holidays. It seems like everything is a competition this time of year. Who “looks the best” at family gatherings. Whose house has the most perfect decor. Whose kids are getting the best gifts. Whose social-media curated projection of their family is the most believable. And man, the shame and guilt that swamps us when we start feeling like everyone around us is doing better than we are. Every sibling is more successful. Every other mom is more put-together. Every friend has something we wish we did.
The reality is that nothing is EVER what it seems. Sometimes the kids who get all the expensive gifts are living with parents who think buying them things is a substitute for quality time. Sometimes that perfect family photo is only taken after frantically scrambling to get everyone together, one kid was screaming and the other one was pouting just five minutes before, and the photographer is secretly questioning her life choices while she smiles and directs the “perfect” image. Sometimes, that cousin who looks perfectly put-together and everyone is praising for “losing weight” and “looking great” has had the worst year of her life and no one knows it yet. Sometimes, while you’re looking at your friend wishing for something in her life, she’s looking at you wishing for something in yours.
Comparison brings up some of the worst feelings we experience: shame, embarrassment, guilt, jealousy, and envy. And those can be difficult feelings to move through and let go of. Sometimes they even turn into frustration and anger at someone when it’s really not about them at all–it’s about how we’re feeling because of the comparison in our mind.
The number one way to combat comparison is gratitude. (Some of you are nodding, some of you are rolling your eyes.) I know, gratitude is sometimes used by the toxic-positivity, spiritual-bypassing crowd to say, “Just be thankful,” as if it’s that simple. This is not about invalidating your own feelings and trying to avoid the very real emotions that come up when your mind starts the comparison game. It’s about actively seeking out the silver linings. It’s about recognizing the hidden gems of your own life. This practice can be really simple. You find yourself thinking, “God, I wish my life looked like hers. Look how perfect her family looks in this photo.” In addition to remembering that nothing is as perfect as it appears on social, challenge yourself to find three things you LOVE about your family and your life. “You know, I really love that my kids have a great relationship with each other. I really love that my partner and I are showing up for one another better this holiday season. I really love that I have the privilege of owning a home that’s all mine.”
Another way to lessen the hold that comparing has on you is to really lean into building yourself up. Remind yourself of your strengths, your gifts, and your magic. Pay attention to all the beautiful aspects of your life. Focus on filling your own cup and the positive impact that has on those closest to you. When we find ourselves staring through the metaphorical window at everyone else’s lives, we’re often unintentionally ignoring what’s behind us, which is our own world, our own home, our own family. Turn around and pour into YOUR world. You’ll find that what’s happening beyond that “window” matters less and less.
4. We fall into a “performance” mindset, sometimes without even realizing it.
What do I mean by that? We take on all the roles we believe we’re supposed to embody and we project that image out into the world whether it’s real or not. This could look like expectations we believe others have for us (or ones they really do have), roles we’ve played in the past, roles we want to play, or even just masks we’ve worn for so long we don’t know how to take them off. Our performances show up in all kinds of ways–maybe you’re “the successful one” so you feel like you have to continue talking about your successes at work even though you secretly hate your job and honestly want to quit to find something you love even if that means taking a huge pay cut. Maybe you’re “the perfect couple” so you and your partner perform being loving and sweet when secretly you’re fighting all the time and not sure your relationship is even going to survive. Maybe you’ve always been “the mom who has it all together” and this year you just don’t, but you feel like you have to keep up with your past self so you put an immense amount of pressure on yourself to the point where you’re one broken candy cane away from a total breakdown.
Performing is exhausting. And we think we’re doing it for the sake of others, but it doesn’t actually serve anyone in any kind of meaningful way. When we wear a mask or perform our way through our time with others, we’re not genuinely connecting as humans. Which is why we leave feeling drained, and like no one really sees us. And feeling like no one sees us or understands us is super fucking lonely. Sometimes it even makes us feel like maybe we need to perform harder, which lands us in a super vicious cycle.
This is one of the most challenging to move past because it requires a great deal of letting go. It means letting go of being perceived the way we wish to be perceived. It means letting go of the need to be what others want us to be. It means letting go of the “perfect image” and accepting what’s real. It means being more honest, more open, and more vulnerable–and that shit is scary. When we stop agreeing to perform for others’ expectations, it can feel like we’re letting someone down. “If I don’t keep the peace at all costs, the whole family will fall apart.” Will they though? “If I don’t give my kids the perfect holiday with the perfect gifts and perfect decorations and perfect event-attending, it will ruin everything and I will have failed as a parent.” What if there’s no such thing as perfect anything and all that really matters is how much love is infused into your holiday? What if you allowed yourself to say no to something and yes to snuggling on the couch reading The Night Before Christmas or watching The Grinch? What if none of the expectations or obligations or “shoulds” or “roles” mattered… Who would you be and what would you do?
Self-Connection is a lifelong journey in a world that’s constantly pulling us away from ourselves. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–it’s much easier to control, manipulate, influence, and sell to people who are not grounded in their own power and who do not trust themselves. It’s much easier for the systems in power (white supremacist, patriarchal, heteronormative, capitalist systems) to remain in power when we believe we’re supposed to be polite and well-spoken caregivers who sacrifice our entire sense of self to continue playing the roles we’ve been taught to play. They benefit from convincing us that cultivating a relationship with ourselves is selfish (knowing full well that many of us were taught being selfish is evil and being selfless is the epitome of good.) They know that self-connected humans form deeper connections with others and deeply bonded humans create deeply bonded communities, which ultimately threatens the dynamics that keep us a fractured (and therefore easily controllable) society.
The holidays give us plenty of experiences that challenge our self-connection AND they give us ample opportunities to deepen our self-connection and the connections with those around us. When you find yourself beginning to feel the pull–the exhaustion, the frustration, the obligations that are stretching you thinner than a doormat–pause. Really, actually, pause. Breathe. Oxygen is good for the brain. Check in with yourself and your values. What really matters to you? What decision will be most in alignment with what you value? What might be difficult AND also right for you? How can you take 5% better care of yourself today? How can you take another 5% better care of yourself tomorrow? How much better will you be able to show up for the people around you when you’ve shown up for yourself first? How much better will it feel knowing you’re ending the year feeling more connected to yourself and your loved ones instead of less connected and more alone?
** List of ideas for infusing self-care into you’re already existing schedule **
1. Can you give yourself five or ten minutes of drinking your coffee or tea in quiet instead of just bringing it with you as you start your daily activities?
2. Could you take five minutes in the morning to check-in with yourself and how you’re feeling about upcoming activities, to-dos, etc.?
3. Could your 10 minute shower be a 20 minute bath where you actually allow yourself to (God forbid!) RELAX for a few minutes?
4. How many times a day do you scroll on your phone? What could you do instead that might be more nourishing for your mind or soul?
5. When you start to berate yourself for eating the 3rd cookie, just eat the damn cookie and remember that finding pleasure in food can actually lift your spirits.
6. When everyone is a little too “high-energy” and you think you might pull your hair out, why not take a walk through the neighborhood to look at the lights and decorations. Walking (and cold air if you live somewhere chilly) is proven to calm anxiety and it might be just what everyone needs.
7. Can you incorporate some self-care into family activities? (ex: Last year I picked out face masks for my sisters and I and on Christmas Eve we did our face masks together while we finished prepping for Christmas day things.)
8. Can you say yes to the big family dinner, but also say we will be there an hour later (because maybe one hour less is actually more supportive for you and your partner/fam).
9. Could you commit to meditating just once a week from now until the New Year? What about twice a week? If meditating isn’t your thing, maybe journaling is. Maybe stretching is. Maybe knitting is. The goal is time where your mind can quiet.
10. Sit down and create a holiday game plan. Do it for yourself, or make it a fun partner/family thing. What are a few ways we can all communicate better as we spend more time together? What’s a kind and gentle way we can all agree on to communicate to one another when we need some quiet time? What activities are most important to each family member and how can we support each other to each have a holiday experience we love? What’s a signal you can give to your partner when you need their support at a family gathering, or to indicate you’re ready to leave? Sometimes, just having some plans in place can help ease our minds and can let our minds and bodies know we’re taking care of ourselves.