What To Do When Authenticity Feels Hard
If showing up authentically was easy, we wouldn’t need to talk about it so much. The reality is, there’s a ton of layers covering up our authentic selves, and sometimes those layers can make it really challenging to show up the way we would like to. Let’s talk first about the layers and then I’ll share some ways to keep showing up even when it’s difficult or scary.
So what the heck are layers? I love the analogy of layers for anything that’s complex, where different pieces pile on top of one another, and can be interconnected or even all jumbled up. I use it the most to explain my mental health when I’m in a “low” (i.e. “These are all the contributing layers.”) That translates perfectly to how I see authenticity. At the core, underneath all the layers, is your truest whole self. Then there’s the layers of social and cultural conditioning that are instilled upon you from birth (everything from gender to systems of oppression to body image to being raised in religion). Then there’s the layers of family dynamics and how you were raised. Then there’s the experiences you have in life ranging from positive to traumatic. Then there’s influence from the media you consume, influence from friends, influence from partners. All these layers pile on top of your authenticity until it’s covered and smothered and you don’t even remember what it looks like anymore.
It can take a lot of work to sift through these layers and tease out what actually resonates with you. There is a lot of unlearning and deconstructing involved and the process looks a little different for everyone because we all have a unique set of layers based on our life experiences. For example, some of the layers I’ve deconstructed are social conditioning from being raised in the Catholic church. This looked like unlearning shame for my body and sexuality, relearning how to trust myself and my body, unlearning the idea that I don’t belong to myself, reclaiming my individual sovereignty, etc. Another layer was recognizing that I was raised to be a people-pleaser and caretaker who puts everyone else’s needs before my own even when it’s to my detriment and then learning instead how to be empathetic and caring without compromising myself (still a bit of a work in progress).
Understanding where the layers originate helps you begin to decipher what feels true to you versus what was imposed upon you by others. I have found this to be a vital part of my ability to feel comfortable and confident as my authentic self. Take body image, for example. Social conditioning is absolutely brutal when it comes to body image, particularly for women+. When I began to learn about the origin of fat phobia and the creation of the “ideal” body type and their basis in patriarchy and white supremacy, it allowed me to recognize that I didn’t want to subscribe to this mindset that had been forced upon me. It became liberating and empowering to say “fuck it” to dieting and to worrying about if something was “flattering” or to stressing about if someone could tell that my belly wasn’t perfectly flat. I was able to shed that layer because I understood where it came from and decided I wanted to UNSUBSCRIBE.
Okay, so what you’re really here for—What to DO when it feels scary to show up authentically.
Here’s the number one thing you need to remember—when you show up wearing a mask or performing the way you think you’re supposed to, you create tension and discord within yourself. It might feel safer, but it’s not comfortable. So when you think about actually showing up authentically and you’re afraid of the discomfort that will come with that, know that you CANNOT ESCAPE THE DISCOMFORT; you can merely trade it for discomfort of a different source. So do you want to choose discomfort for the sake of OTHERS’ comfort, or would you rather choose discomfort for the sake of your OWN comfort. (Stick with me, I know discomfort for the sake of comfort sounds confusing.)
The first time (or likely few times.. possibly even many times) that you choose YOURSELF it’s going to feel uncomfortable as fuck. You might hate it. You might think “it’s way easier to just be what everyone else wants me to be.” BUT like anything else, the more you practice, the easier it becomes. And because you’re leaning into something that’s INNATE it will eventually begin to flow to the point where it doesn’t even occur to you anymore to show up as anyone other than your most authentic self. So if you’re at the beginning of this journey and you’re considering the options, here’s what it looks like:
I can keep faking it, which makes me continuously miserable, for the ILLUSION of comfort.
or
I can choose authenticity, which makes me temporarily uncomfortable, for the VERY REAL future comfort of feeling confident showing up as your whole self.
To put this into actions:
When it feels hard, remember that by choosing others’ comfort in the moment, you’re trading your own long-term. And you quite literally have to live WITH yourself, so choose you, okay?
Focus on the source(s) of what keep you from showing up authentically. Is it a fear of disappointing others because you learned to be more committed to other’s expectations of you than to your expectations for yourself? Is it that you were taught as a woman to be “humble” and demure so being confident and claiming your worth feels like arrogance? There’s so many reasons you might be holding yourself back from showing up the way you desire. If you can identify the source, you can begin the work of unlearning and relearning.
The value of showing up authentically is connection (I talk about this in my Authenticity Deep Dive and could write a whole separate blog post on it, but the short version is…) We are hardwired for connection, and GENUINE connection only happens between two authentic souls. So if connection matters to you, so then must showing up as your authentic self.
Finally, if you can articulate why you want to show up more authentically, you can use that as your navigation compass. For me, the one that helps me the most is that I want to show up as my whole self for everyone who might see a part of themselves in me and thus feel safer and more comfortable to show up as their whole selves as a result.
Navigating authenticity in a world that encourages us to conform is not an easy task. It takes commitment to yourself, compassion for yourself, and a willingness to sit with discomfort long enough to learn that it’s actually safe to be yourself.
If you’re on this path and feeling like you need more support, let’s get you scheduled for an Aurora Session: a 90 minute Deep Dive on Authenticity. This includes a 12 page workbook packed with in-depth info on authenticity, an identity exercise, and 3 journal prompts for self-exploration, along with a 90 minute 1x1 coaching session for us to dive even deeper into how you want to show up and how to get there. I also offer a complimentary 15 minute follow up call about a month after your session to give you an encouragement & accountability checkpoint.
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